Author Topic: Friday Funny  (Read 158976 times)

Mohit

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #30 on: September 28, 2010, 12:17:47 PM »
Can death be sleep, when life is but a dream,
And scenes of bliss pass as a phantom by?
The transient pleasures as a vision seem,
And yet we think the greatest pain's to die.

~~John Keats(Lines from poem On Death)

Freddy

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #31 on: September 28, 2010, 12:46:05 PM »
Hehe, I had completely forgotten about that.  We need some more Fiday Funnies - where is that Maviarab ?

Art

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #32 on: September 28, 2010, 12:55:11 PM »

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."
 :D
In the world of AI, it's the thought that counts!

Art

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #33 on: September 28, 2010, 01:03:16 PM »
Subject: "William"



A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved three-year-old grandson.
It's obvious that he has his hands full, what with the child
screaming at the top of his lungs for sweets in the sweet aisle,
biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the
other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a calm,
controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be much longer ... easy,
boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the
gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your
composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to
have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little
s#!t head's name is Charlie."
In the world of AI, it's the thought that counts!

Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #34 on: September 29, 2010, 08:13:11 AM »
Brilliant Art.....

And as you all asked...here's one for ya (sorry, not had any good ones for a while).

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting?

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about... 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a s***-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.




Personally, we didn't care – we came into town by bus.

Freddy

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #35 on: September 29, 2010, 11:46:37 AM »
Great jokes you two.  Really liked the Rugby one Art.   :D

Art

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #36 on: September 30, 2010, 10:51:03 AM »

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City
and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going
to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck
produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to
hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge
12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a
good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari
into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn
& Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from the
University of Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire
with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your
investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, "Where else in New York
City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be
there when I return?"

 :D ;D ;)
In the world of AI, it's the thought that counts!

Freddy

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #37 on: September 30, 2010, 03:14:19 PM »
lol good one  :D

GT40

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #38 on: September 30, 2010, 03:50:45 PM »

Great page! Thanks all.  :D :D :D

"There is no RL. Only AFK." (Jamie Jervil, resident of Second Life)

Art

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #39 on: October 01, 2010, 11:22:26 PM »
OK...It's FRIDAY! ::)

Some of these are funny (depending on your own sense of humor / humour (or lack thereof)...
However, they are all thoughts with which to ponder:
######################

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight property tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
In the world of AI, it's the thought that counts!

Freddy

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #40 on: October 02, 2010, 12:11:06 PM »
Hehe, thanks Art for the entrainment ;D

Duskrider

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #41 on: October 14, 2010, 11:51:12 AM »

  Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in
  the  door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of
  an old green John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette
  and  gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by
  the left.    He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
  and  lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed
  plaid  shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
  stained  tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from
  his  body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.   

  Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says "What the heck are you  doing  Billy Bob?"

 "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me!" says an obviously  embarrassed Billy Bob,
 "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the  bedroom department, and the
  therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."



Freddy

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #42 on: October 14, 2010, 01:17:41 PM »
 :D Good one Dusk !

Art

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #43 on: October 15, 2010, 09:51:27 AM »
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE AMBIGUITY AND THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
 
Enjoy:
 
    DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
 
    ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
 
    ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

    IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE    MONKEYS  AND APES?
 
    THE REASON SANTA  IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE  ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
 
IN A BOOKSTORE, I ASKED A SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
 
  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
 
IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
 
  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
 
  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN  ENDANGERED PLANT?
 
  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
 
  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
 
  WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN  THEM?

  IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS... OR NAKED?
 
  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
 
  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
 
  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
 
  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
 
  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
 
  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
 
  DOES A MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
 
  DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

 HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
 
  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
 
  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD THAT MAKE  YOU STILL HUNGRY?
 
  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
 
  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
 
  WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
 
  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT THEM?
 
  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
 
  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
In the world of AI, it's the thought that counts!

DaveMorton

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #44 on: October 15, 2010, 11:54:50 AM »
 :D ;D 8)
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