Friday Funny

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Maviarab

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Friday Funny
« on: February 13, 2009, 01:52:35 pm »
Share your jokes here to bring joy to the world  :)
« Last Edit: March 19, 2015, 06:07:34 pm by Freddy »

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Freddy

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2009, 02:26:38 pm »
*groans*   :D

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Dante

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2009, 06:34:44 pm »
Your right, I do hate you.

Honestly, if you want something done right, you gotta go it yourself...*wanders off mumbling*


Did you hear about a French Submarine colliding with a UK Sub?

The UK Sub was carrying blue paint, the French sub was carrying red paint.






All the sailors got marooned.



*waits for the inevitable tomato throwing*

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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2009, 06:40:38 pm »
THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.



There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2009, 06:41:27 pm »
One day a blonde decided to go out and buy a new jigsaw puzzle,she went to the shop and looked around and found one which was a nice picture of a rooster, she got home all excited with it, sat on floor in the lounge, opened the box and spread all the pieces all out on the floor,but as she tried to do it, she wasn't even able to put two pieces together.

After spending nearly 2 hours at it and getting no where she phoned her boyfriend who was at work and told him about this puzzle she bought but could'nt do, he told her when he gets home he'll have a look at it with her.

So that evening the boyfriend came in the door from work, walked into the lounge to find his girlfriend sitting on the floor surrounded by cornflakes

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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2009, 06:41:55 pm »
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop, and asked, "How long till I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, about 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and ask ed, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes, and said, 'Your house.'

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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2009, 06:43:09 pm »
A jelly baby is sitting having a drink all by himself,
when a smartie comes up and say's why you on your own?
the jelly baby says I am a bit of a soft centre and scared,
the smartie says well I am a bit of a hard case come out with me
and I will look after you. 

So they both go to a night club and are having a good time,
then a Locket walks in and goes up to the jelly baby and smashes his head in 
the smartie dives under a table 
after the Locket leaves the jelly baby says i thought you were going to look after me  ,
the smartie say's sod off, them Lockets are 'menthol' 

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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2009, 06:45:21 pm »
An ALLEGED conversation between Americans and Galicians recorded off the coast of Finisterre, Galicia.

<Transmission begins>

Galician:
"This is A-853, please change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us. You are coming straight towards us, distance 25 nautical miles."

American:
"We recommend that you change your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."

Galician:
"Negative. We repeat, change your course fifteen degrees south to avoid a collision."

American:
"You are talking to the captain of a ship of the United States of America. We insist you turn your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."

Galician:
"We do not consider that feasible or advisable, we suggest that you change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."

American (very angry):
"You are talking to Captain Richard James Howard, at the bridge of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln of the USA Navy, the second biggest warship of the North American fleet. We are escorted by two battleships, three destroyers, five cruisers, four submarines and numerous amphibious support vessels. We are on our way to the Persian Gulf to prepare military manoeuvres before a possible attack on Iraq.
I am not suggesting, I am ordering you to change your course fifteen degrees North! Otherwise we will be forced to take any measures necessary to guarantee both the safety of this ship and the force of this coalition. You belong to an allied country and a member of NATO, so obey immediately and get out of our way!"

Galician:
"You are speaking to Jose Manuel Otero-Rivas. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, our food, two beers and a canary that is currently asleep. We have the support of Radio Coruňa FM and Channel 16 for marine emergencies. We are not intending to move anywhere as we are speaking to you from the mainland, from lighthouse A-853 of Finisterre on the coast of Galicia, and we don’t have a f*cking clue what our ranking is of Spanish lighthouses.
You may take whatever measures you consider opportune and bloody well feel like to guarantee the safety of your goddamn ship, which is about to shred itself on the rocks, but what we continue to insist and suggest as the best, most sane and more recommendable course of action, is to turn fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."

American:
"OK. Received. Thank you."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser (beer) and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'"

On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

------------------------------------------------------------------------



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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2009, 01:59:00 am »
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs.. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

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Art

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2009, 02:11:42 am »
Gosh Mav...I "shutter" to think what happened.

I do hope the man didn't overexpose himself or imply a "negative" attitude!

We can only hope a decent relationship "developed" as a result.

Dare I say..."Film at 11:00"

 :D
In the world of AI, it's the thought that counts!

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Freddy

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2009, 01:40:03 pm »
 :D Very good, both of you.

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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2009, 04:02:05 pm »
Lmao Art, excellent  ;D

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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2009, 04:53:13 pm »
I know a day early, but forgot last week :)

Taking a week's break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.


An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware
who the golf pro is. "Top o' the mornin' to ya"!


As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquires
the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I
drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the
Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything"!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. '

Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

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Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men

------------------------------------------------------------------------


One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil …
Satan: ‘Why so glum?’

Guy: ‘What do you think? I’m in hell!’

Satan: ‘Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?’

Guy: ‘Sure, I love to drink.’

Satan: ‘Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.’

Guy: ‘Gee that sounds great!’

Satan: ‘You a smoker?’

Guy: ‘You better believe it’

Satan: ‘All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?’

Guy: ‘Wow … that’s awesome!’

Satan: ‘I bet you like to gamble.’

Guy: ‘Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.’

Satan: ‘Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.’

Guy: ‘Cool!’

Satan: ‘What about drugs?’

Guy: ‘Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean …?’

Satan: ‘That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.’

Guy: ‘Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!’

Satan: ‘You gay?’

Guy: ‘No…’

Satan: ‘Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough …

------------------------------------------------------------------------


Bicycles Are Better than Women! ( humOr )

1. Bicycles don't get pregnant.

2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

3. Bicycles don't have parents.

4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.

6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.

7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.

9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.

10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.

11. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.

12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.

13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.

16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.

17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.

19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.

20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

21. Bicycles don't get headaches.

22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.

24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.

25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.

29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle

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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2009, 04:59:42 pm »
How Google got their Google Chrome Image...

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Maviarab

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Re: Friday Funny
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2009, 08:29:35 am »
The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.


The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:




BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS..

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . .. . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and
live longer!

 


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