[krayvonk]

I agree with Lock... very amusing... even this old grumpy g*t sniggered...

 

KEEP GOING WITH THAT SUPER ANDROID BRAIN!!! its going to blow everything out of the water, and just, imagine if you were born 1843, wed be in future land already!!!!

[krayvonk]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good
quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the
gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter...





Dear Fiona,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,
Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


==================================================

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

==========================================================

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' (tut tut) and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's (tut tut), the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.

I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

======================================================

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored him and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that. I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Nonsense,' replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. The massive fireball blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him, a burnt, smoking mess, about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy companion, and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, it's that you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his pen1s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Now im going to show you something, you cant understand cause u r an idiot. XD

[HS]

[Art]

Good one!!

[LOCKSUIT]

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

1) Thou shall always wash thy hands when enter thy house.

2) Thou shalt not use any other hand cleanser other than pure purell.

3) Thou shalt not hoard toilet paper, for the devil will be upon you.

4) Thou shalt not sleep in the same bed with thy wife. Thou shall keep distance from all others. And must wear a mask when leave home.

5) Thou shalt not travel to China. Thou shalt not eat real meat.

6) Thou shalt not leave thy house if thy has sinned, else thy will serve time and pay a large price.

7) Thou shalt take the vaccine if the government demands it.

8) Thou shall let the army into thy home if the government demands it at whim.

9) Thou shalt not leave home if FEMA comes to your town.

10) Thou shalt not earn more than basic wage, for God himself will pay you.

[LOCKSUIT]

[Art]

It's in the numbers...

111,111,111 X 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321

 

[LOCKSUIT]

One day a manager went up to his employee and said YOUR FIRED!

He wet up to another employee and said YOUR FIRED!

He kept doing this.

After he was done, all the co-workers met up at the top of the building they work in. The level they were on was called Activation Unit.

It was here that they gained enough courage to tell the Manager YOUR FIRED!

The Manager listened.

Perplexed, he shouted back BE QUITE!

[ivan.moony]

Little Johnny and his mom are sitting on a beach near the ocean.

little Johnny: Mom, what is an alcoholic?
mom: Johnny, you see those two boats, far on the sea? An alcoholic sees four.
little Johnny: But mom, there is only one boat.
mom: ...

[Art]

You're such an animal!!

https://twitter.com/i/status/1091236717988925441

...Thank you! 

[LOCKSUIT]

When your human-level AI returns you an abstraction like this:
https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/542402348872112301/

[Don Patrick]

I like the design of the Pepper robot, but there is just one design feature that always seemed a bit inappropriate to me...

It's twice as funny on a shirt. I also made a more casual "I love robots" version without the innuendo.

[Art]

Yeah...or how about, "My eyes are up here!!"

[frankinstien]

I like the design of the Pepper robot, but there is just one design feature that always seemed a bit inappropriate to me...

As in what's minimal or it's too much? 

[LOCKSUIT]

This brings a whole new meaning to "getting the right view" on the set.