[Art]

Good stuff Mav and good advice as well!!

 

[one]

You guys don't know the difference between scratching your
Ass and tearing it all to hell .

http://lyrics.astraweb.com/display/196/metallica..master_of_puppets..welcome_home.html

[Maviarab]

But what has that got to do with jokes One???

anyway, moving on...

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Memory

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

[one]

I was told that I needed to 'Put a rubber band
around my head and snap out of it'

J.

[Maviarab]

DEMENTIA  QUIZ

     
   
   FIRST QUESTION:

YOU  ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND  PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU  IN?





~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~

 
 





ANSWER :  IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE  ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND  YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T  TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION,  OK?
 

 


SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL  DOWN)




~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~



 
 
 





ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU  ARE.....
  WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE  NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?


THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.



TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW  ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....




~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~


 
 
 
 


DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...



IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?   

MAYBE  YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT....  MAYBE...



FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:


1.      NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI,  4. NONO, AND

2.      WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?







~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~



 
 
 

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!







OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:





A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE  PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES  HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?





~~~~~~~~~~  ~~~~~~~~~~


 
 


IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

[GT40]

Very good post, Mav. 

[Freddy]

I got the calculation in my head one right, but not the lateral thinking ones.. 

[Bragi]

Nice post.

TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

I guess though, this is only valid for linear races. In circular, like motorsports or bycicle races, you can overtake the last. Off course, you still can't tell which one you are, except that you are not the last (in stead of the first, which was my first instinct reaction
The one with the names took my of guard also, I guess I can't stand to complete a good sequence

[Maviarab]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good
quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the
gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter...





Dear Fiona,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,
Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


==================================================

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

==========================================================

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' (tut tut) and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's (tut tut), the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.

I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

======================================================

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored him and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that. I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Nonsense,' replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. The massive fireball blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him, a burnt, smoking mess, about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy companion, and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, it's that you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his pen1s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[Freddy]

Funny British Signs

1  IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

[Art]

Perfect example of Benny Hill-ish humor! Good stuff!

[Data]

I had a chuckle at them too.

Thanks Freddy 

[Art]

Irish bank robber


> An
> armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces
> the tellers to load a sack full of cash.  On his
> way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer
> grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the
> robber's face.  The robber shoots the guy
> without hesitation. 
>
>
> He then
> looks around the  bank to see if anyone else has
> seen him.  One of the tellers is looking
>  straight at him, and the robber shoots him,
> too.  Everyone, by now, is very scared and looking
> down at the floor.  "Did anyone else see me
> face?" calls  the robber.
>
>
> There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish
> gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand, clears
> his throat and says, "I think me wife over there
> might have caught a glimpse...."

 

[Freddy]

Haha good one 

[Freddy]

Funny email conversation (image) :

http://img142.imageshack.us/img142/2377/davidthorneviathesheephtk3.jpg