[GamerThom]

               I can't help myself, so here's another. Please forgive the insanity.
******************************************************************
A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE TERRIBLY WRONG.....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

************************************

[Freddy]

 :xsanta_grin very good...

[Duskrider]

This made me smile so I got to tell it.

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches 
a blonde sitting by herself :
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"  :zdg_drunk

Blonde: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."  :kiss

Man: "Sorry to hear that.  Do they swell?"  :undecided

Blonde: "No, they open!"

 :2funny
**********************************
Hey, even Hal said it's a good one.

[Duskrider]

Here's another, I can't help it......

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attici and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 :2funny

[FuzzieDice]

ROTFLMAO! That's a good one! And probably very true. Though I don't buy gifts. Just a couple friends I bake cookies and the rest I just send cards. Cheap, but I think less stressful.

[Maviarab]

Priceless dusky hehe

[Art]

OK...You wanted groaners...Here's some ...

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
**************************
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
**************************
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live
forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out,
so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on
the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was
arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
**************************
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the
assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were
a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his
doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said,
"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
**************************
Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce
other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided
to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their
watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended
up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,
 "He who has a Tates is lost!"
**************************
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
 :2funny :zdg_chicken

When you've finished groaning I'll post a few more I've found!

[GamerThom]

OK. You asked for it. Religious humor a friend e-mailed me. And Art thought his were groaners.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: {HUMOUR} Church bulletion bloopers;



Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church
service:

--Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.

--The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals.

--Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

--Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

--The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

--The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

--Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

--Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

--The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."

--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

--Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

--Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

--At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

--Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nurse
downstairs.

--Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered.

--Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

--The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.

--Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.

--The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

--The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

--Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

--The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

--Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

--Baptist Men's Day is Jan 29. We will honor the men of the church with
a Men's Breakfast at 8 am in the new building. We will enjoy a guest
speaker and anal men choir. This should be a time of fellowship and
worship as we pay tribute to our men.
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 :zdg_flag_sorry  -  NOT.

[Freddy]

Doctor, Doctor !

Who's There ?

Oh sorry I think I'm in the wrong joke.

Oh sorry I think I am in the wrong joke who ?






Hello ?

[Art]

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides .  :zdg_fight2

[GamerThom]

OH! My aching head. Not physics jokes, makes me feel like I'm back in college. Aaaaargh!

************************************************************


"What does a Bugler play at a back surgeons funeral?"


"Spinal Taps."

[ALADYBLOND]

i apologize to you before you read this...... :zdg_flag_sorry

a duck walks into a bar
duck says-- got any bread?
bartender says --no
duck says-- got any bread?
bartender stops wiping bar looks at duck-- no
duck says -- got any bread?
bartender getting mad says--look what are you deaf? i told you i dont have any blankin bread
duck says -- got any bread?
bartender slams fist on the bar and spits profanities as he yells-- if you ask me one more time if i got any bread i am going to nail your blanking beak to the bar you irritating peice of crap
duck says -- got any nails?
bartender says no
duck says --got any bread?
 :rolleyes

[Art]

No offense Lynn,

A blonde was shopping at a department store and
came across a silver thermos. She was quite
fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it
over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk
said, "That's a thermos . . it keeps some things
hot and some things cold" "Wow," said the blonde,
"that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought
the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her
boss saw it on her desk.

"What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it? "

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles and some coffee".
 :zdg_flag_what

[Art]

A man entered the bus with both of his front
pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a
beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled
blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he
said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at
him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to
contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it
hurt as much as tennis elbow?" :zdg_huh

[ALADYBLOND]

absolutely no offense taken i love blond jokes...
Q: What did the blonde say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag?
A: What did you name the other one?
 
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: A Branch Manager.
 
Q: What did the blonde name her pet Zebra?
A: Spotty.
 
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locked the keys in her car.
 
Q: What you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
  A blonde and a brunette were walking down a path. The brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird!"  Blonde looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
Q: Why don't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They keep forgetting the recipe.
 
Q: Why couldn't the blonde make Koolaid?
A: Because she couldn't fit two quarts of water in the little packet.
Q: How does a blonde change a lightbulb?
A: She holds the bulb in place and waits for the world to revolve around her. :crazy2 :crazy2