[GamerThom]

 :zdg_shocked
**********************
The Science Test:

 A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

 What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
 head, hoping for the best:

 1. No need to boil.

 2. Never goes sour.

 3. Available whenever necessary.

 So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again,
what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then
sighed again.
 Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
scribbled his definitive answer:

 4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

 He received an A.
*************************
 :zdg_flag_sorry
 

[GamerThom]

I'm treading a fine line with these, but at least I tried to clean them up.
I think they're the last. Something for everyone, I didn't want to show any
partiality by just offending one group. 
                                      *******************************************************************
  "Something to Offend Everyone and Anyone"
       
      What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
      A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

      What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
      The position of the dirt bag.

      Why is divorce so expensive?
      Because it's worth it.

      What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
      Doughnuts.

      What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians
      in a room together?
      100 people who don't do d!@k.

      What do you call a smart blonde?
      A golden retriever.

      What do attorneys use for birth control?
      Their personalities.

      What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
      45 lbs.

      What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
      45 minutes.

      What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
      Through his chest with a sharp knife.

      Why do men want to marry virgins?
      They can't stand criticism.

      Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
      and good-looking?
      Because those men already have boyfriends.

      What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
      After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

      What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
      The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
      driving.

      A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
      Who has the biggest b@@bs?
      The blonde, because she's 18.

      What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
      " Are you sure it's mine?"

      What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
      Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

      Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
      Mace will do that to you .

      Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
      He walks around saying "Yo."

      What's the Cuban National Anthem?
      " Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

      What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
      A speech impediment.

      What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
      They're hiring.

      What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
      A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
      along with... "a recipe."

      How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
      Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

      What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
      fairytale?
      A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
      A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh#t..."

      Why is there no Disneyland in China?
      No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[Maviarab]

 :grin very good Gamer, though i'd like to point out I drive a "BMW" lol

Just for safetys sake if anyone "IS" offended by any of the above then please contact the admin and we will remove said joke  :police

[GamerThom]

This is not as naughty as you might think, but I will say    :zdg_flag_sorry   in advance to those that have a dirty mind.
I also promise, this is the absolute last one.
*******************************************************
 "Not what you might think..."


 A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Dr.
 gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen
 sample tomorrow.

 The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and
 gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc,
 it's like this.

 First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
 left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
 with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.  She even tried
 with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
 still nothing.  We even called up Arlene, the lady
 next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
 and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still
 nothing."

    The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"

    The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us
    tried, with
 our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

                                   *****************
 :2funny                                                                                    :zdg_flag_sorry

[GamerThom]

 :2funny

Subject: tickle me elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory
and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next
day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman
from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about
the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.   
The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself
so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all
over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the
line stands the new employee. She  has a roll of red plush fabric and a big
 bag of  marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it aroound  two  marbles and begins to sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.   After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and  approaches the woman.   "I'm
sorry,
he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I think you
misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo..............
        Are you ready for this?

 
 
Two test  tickles.
 
  :azn   :2funny   :zdg_flag_sorry

[FuzzieDice]

LOL! I heard this as an abreviated joke like "What was the last thing they gave Tickle Me Elmo at the factory?"

Ok, I got one:

Three mice were in a bar drinking and bragging. The first mouse said that he eats his dinner out of the housecat's bowl. The second mouse said "That's nothin'. I go to the mouse trap 3 times a week to bench-press!"

The third mouse, who was quiet the whole time, took a swig of beer and went to leave. The other two mice deicded that he had first better prove he's "mouse" enough. "Hey! Where do you think YOU'RE going?" one of the mice said. To this, the 3rd mouse repliced:

"I'm going home to screw the cat."

Ok moderators, you can remove this if you want.   If so, I do know a few others that might not be so bad... I think...

[ALADYBLOND]

its not christmas but heres a good one! :zdg_z_elephant :zdg_whistle
Subject: killer buscuits wanted for murder
 (the actual AP headline)
 Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and
 while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
 groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the
windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
 walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and
 she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
 that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
 brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke
intothe car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When
they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough
 on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
 the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad
 of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find
 out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
 initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains
 in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
 Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.

[FuzzieDice]

LOL! That's a good one! And I love sig tagline - so appropriate for the story.

[ALADYBLOND]

i forgot about the if i only had a brain showing up there. yes that was indeed appropriate... ~`alady :zdg_toothy

[Duskrider]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him? ?
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old
lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves. "We can't chew them because
we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them, then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."? ? ?

[It pays to be careful around old people.]? ? ?   :2funny

[GamerThom]

Here's one I don't think is too bad. How ever if DG Admin thinks it is, then delete it.

Subject: Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he
looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that
Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make? me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.


You're right, you gotta watch out for those old folks. 

[Art]

Touche!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop
with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
Only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
Ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber
at the end of YOUR stick, We'd be riding the bus,
so shut the hell up." :cool

[FuzzieDice]

A guy had quite an amazing night with a blonde girl (no offence to those who are blond here )
After he was done for a little bit, he went downstairs to the kitchen to get a drink. He opened the fridge and allowed the nice, cool air to cool him down a bit as he sipped his milk from the carton. He didn't know that his girlfriend was watching in the kitchen doorway. He decided to cool off one other thing and put that in the milk carton. To that, his girlfriend pipes up "Oh, so that's how you refill those things!"

A very buff and tan man was admiring himself in the mirror one day. He then noticed that some part of him wasn't tan. Noting this wasn't good as the rest of him was a deep, dark tan, he decided to go to the beach, since nobody was around, and get that one part tanned. He also decided to bury himself in the sand in case someone came by, so they wouldn't recognize him or think it was an animal washed ashore or something.

After awhile, two old ladies came walking down the beach with their canes. The one lady stopped and noticed the one part the guy was trying to tan sticking out of the sand, but nobody around. She started moving it around with her cane in remeniscent thought while talking to her companion: "When I was a teenager, I craved it. When I was in my 30s I was already bored of it. When I was in my 50s I started to again wish for it. Now that I'm in my 80s, the damn things are popping up all over the place and I'm too old to squat!

[GamerThom]

 


Firewood!!


Hello is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith.
He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding
marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend
on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the
firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece
of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil
and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!" "Did they split yer farwood?" "Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"


OK. You can stick a fork in me now, I'm done. 

[Art]

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
> father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one
> evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
> woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
>
> "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her
> "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
> million dollars."
>
> Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
> later, she became........ his stepmother.
>
> Women are so much smarter than men... :zdg_huh