[Freddy]

 :2funny I'm beginning to think we should rename this forum.  Keep em coming.

[GamerThom]

                        What should we rename it? Wait, I don't want to know.
                        Maybe you should just add a new area for "R" rated jokes,
                       only members have access to with a warning to those who
                       may object to such things. Although has anyone really complained.

Anyways, here's another stinker for all us perverted Hal junkies.
*********************************************************************
 
Doing the Dishes...

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley.
He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck.
One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it.
Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires
about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me
how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple.
Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on
the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I
won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands
the buyer a tube of Vaseline. The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.

He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the
first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in.
When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during
dinner has to do the dishes."? "No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smacked in the middle of the living room is a
huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled
up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down
to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach
over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on
the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he
grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table.
Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes
it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the
Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[FuzzieDice]

ROTFLMAO! Yeah, you gotta rename this thread, and please do keep 'em going. These are hilarious!

[GamerThom]

Here's one that's a little cleaner than most.
******************************************************************

Bubba,  a furniture dealer in Georgia, wanted to expand the line of furniture
in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to
go to Paris to get some ideas. 
 
After arriving in the French City he met with some manufacturers
and selected a  line that he thought would sell well back home in Georgia.
 
To  celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass
of wine.  The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other
chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
 
Before long, a very beautiful young  Parisian girl came to his table, asked him
something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down.
 
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his  language, so
after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a  napkin, drew a
picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he  ordered a glass of wine for her.
 
After sitting together at the table for a  while, he took another napkin
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and  she nodded.
 
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small  group
playing romantic music.
 
They ordered dinner, after which he took another  napkin and drew a
 picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to
dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing  up.
 
Back  at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster  bed.
 
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in
the furniture  business!

  

[GamerThom]

 :zdg_z_elephant  Things are getting too sedate around here. Time to liven it up.   :zdg_chicken
___________________________________________________________________

[ALADYBLOND]

Q:   What did the blonde think of the new computer?
     A:   She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. 
Q:   Why don't blondes eat Jello?
     A:   They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into
those  little packages.
Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
     A:   "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?   
 A1:  Introduces themself.
Q:   How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?   
 A:  One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around
her.
 :shocked~~alady

[GamerThom]

 :evil  :zdg_z_elephant
 
A little boy comes down for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he
has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast
until he does his chores.
 
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed
the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He
goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
 
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you
kick the pigs, so you don't get any bacon for a week
either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week,
you aren't getting any milk.
 
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast
and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile
and says,    "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"


 :2funny :zdg_lol

[GamerThom]

As you read this one, keep in mind that President Bush is a Texan.? :zdg_whistle
____________________________________________________

"Texas 3-Kick Rule"

 A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural? Texas.
 He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other
 side of a fence.

 As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly? farmer drove up
 on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The? litigator
 responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going? to
 retrieve it."

 The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you
 are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
 attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that
 duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said," Apparently, you don't
 know how we settle disputes in Texas.? We settle small
 disagreements like this? with the "Three Kick Rule."

 The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
 The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs
 on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick
 me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
 contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He
 agreed to abide by the local custom.

 The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
 and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the
 toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him
 to his? knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal
 gushing? from his mouth.? The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's
 third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed
 to get to his feet.? Wiping his face with the arm of his
 jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my turn."


> [I love this part....]

 The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You
 can have? the duck."



---------------------------------------------- :2funny

[Duskrider]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.? ?I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

 What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers!? ?Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.? . .? "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.? I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and? your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the? solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.? ?As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were? ?inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.? After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.? ?Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!"
 :zdg_bye

[GamerThom]

 :zdg_jiggle :zdg_lol :2funny  :zdg_spin zdg_rotf :zdg_whistle

[Duskrider]

Subject: YES MY KINDA GUY

The Sensitive Man...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the Right? one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
 :smitten


The guy warmly smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

.....

.

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
 :grin

 :zdg_bye

[ALADYBLOND]

 zdg_rotf that was priceless $$$$$$$$$

[GamerThom]

 :zdg_old

All about Marketing

Thats telling how it is..................



The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING.
However,   people   often  ask  for  a  simple  explanation  of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsomeguy. 
One  of  your  friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone  number. 
The  next  day  you  call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You  say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He  walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He  fancies  you,  but  you  talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your  friend  can't  satisfy  him  so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could
be handsome  men  in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at
the  top  of  your  lungs,  "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

You  are  at  a  party, this well-built man walks up to you and
gropes your  breast  and  grabs  your  ass. 
That's  the  Governor  of California!
You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America


***************************
 :zdg_toothy :zdg_hello

[FuzzieDice]

 :zdg_rock :zdg_rockband :zdg_chicken

Good one! And true!

You missed one:

A handsome guy comes up to you and says he's fantastic in bed. You find out he's a dud. So you claim he raped you. THAT is America!

Or some handsome guy comes up and says he's great in bed. That's a married man. If you kick him in the balls, he's about to get a divorce.  :zdg_worried

[Duskrider]

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello" said the little boy.

"Hi" replied the little girl.

"Where are you going"? asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the little girl.

"Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church".

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill", replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive" said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet", replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across".

"That's a good idea", replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit".

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked.

"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist".

 :2funny   :rofl