Ai Dreams Forum
AI Dreams => General Chat => Topic started by: Maviarab on December 25, 2005, 06:54:46 pm
-
ill start us off,
Q - What are 2 rows of cabbages called?
A - A dule cabbageway?
Q - Why do octopusses never get mugged?
A - Becasue they are always well armed?
Q - What is the largest species of mouse in the world?
A - The hippo pota mouse?
Q - What do you call a nervous witch?
A - A twitch?
Q - What is the definition of an archaeologist?
A - Someone who's career is in ruins
Oh they get worse lmao...i was gonna run a competition? for the worse one but i guessed Art would win it hands down hehe
-
Just remember Marius,
A lack of comedy is no joke!
-
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for her Christmas dinner, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."~~alady
ps this one becomes funnier and funnier especially if you have had too much rum in your egg nog.
-
Q: What did the barman say to the Frog ?
A: One for the Toad ?
-
One my dad told me a looooong time ago...
There was an ant that went running through very fast. Another ant saw him do this several times, but right on this black dashed area. The other ant finally managed to stop him and ask him why he's doing that. The first ant replied, "Can't you read? It says "Tear on dotted line"!
Duuuuhhhh. LOL!
Another old one:
Wanna hear a dirty joke? The truck ran into a mud puddle. (groan)
I think these were the wrost jokes I ever heard in my life. LOL!
There was a teacher talking in class about things that can be blown up. She demonstrated by blowing up a balloon. Then asked the class to name other things, to be graded on.
One student raised his hand, and blew into a latex glove. He got an A for originality.
Another student blew up a paper bag. He almost got an A until he popped it, which startled the teacher and got him an F instead.
Then another student was called on. He said "I can blow up a straw."
"No, that is not possible. A straw is not expandable."
"It doen't have to be. I bet you $5 I can do it!" The student insisted.
The teacher decided to teach him a lesson and told him to go ahead, showing a $5 bill she pulled out of her desk. So the student took the straw and tilted his head back, then blew UPward into the straw. The class laughed and the teacher admitted he had her there and gave him the $5 bill. "BUT..." she said, "I'm afraid I still have to give you an 'F'."
"But why?" The surprised student asked. "That was probably the most clever one in the class!"
"Well," The teacher reasoned, "Perhaps you can get an A after all."
"Really, how?" The student asked.
To that, the teacher told him, "Well, it'll cost you $5."
-
And another:
Why DIDN'T the chicken cross the road?
Colonel Sanders was waiting on the other side!
-
That's enough Tika...get back in the car!!! ;D
And we've all heard about the cannibal who refused to eat clowns?
He said they tasted funny!
-
Sorry, Dryden hit me in the rear with the door. LOL!
As for yours -- that... sounded funny... LOL!
-
these are getting worse lol
-
Q: Why did Father Christmas get the sack ?
A: Because he only turned up for work once a year.
-
This guy and his wife were visiting the Soviet Union.
As precipitation bagan to fall his wife said, "Oh look! It's snowing!"
Her husband looked at her and as a drop touched his nose he said,
"Sorry dear, but that's not snow...it's rain!"
"Well I say it's snow!", she exclaimed.
"Nope...RAIN!", he replied.
On and on the discussion went until an old friend happened by.
The husband introduced the man, obviously a communist, as Rudolph.
"What's the matter here?, Rudolph asked.
"My husband thinks this stuff falling is rain and I say it's snow. Do you know what it is?", she asked with some assurance.
Rudolph studied it for a few seconds and said, "Rain...yes definitely rain!" and walked away.
His wife looking somewhat befuddled, turned to her husband as said, "What make you so sure he's right?"
Her husband looked his wife straight in the eyes and said,
"Because, Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
:D
-
ROTFL! Clever! :)
-
:D
-
The News
Breaking News from the small town of Merrywell in Northern England told of local Albert Bunnings recently recovering from a severe bout of depression on a self healing course entitiled 'Getting to know yourself'.
Albert was happy to report that he had indeed got to know himself a lot better and now claims he is the nicest person he has ever met.
"It started quite innocently," he told us, " with a glass of wine and a meal at the local fish restaurant."? In no time Albert says he had struck up quite a raport and was delighted to find he shared similar interests with himself. After being politely asked to leave, Albert parted with himself and went home. It was to his great suprise to wake up in the same bed as himself the next morning and he had blushed when trying to explain to his-self that it must have been the wine.
So far Albert has no firm plans to continue the relationship as sadly, at the most recent meeting of the course he had arrived only to find he hadn't shown up.
He sends this message:
"I would like to meet myself again any time soon, if I am out there reading this anywhere then can I please get in touch with myself as I am sure that if I know that I will turn up then I can be sure that I will be there."
-
A twist on a classic christmas poem? ? ? :xsanta_grin
"Twas the day after Christmas"
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "US POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"
? :zdg_tongue
-
I can't help myself, so here's another. Please forgive the insanity.
******************************************************************
A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE TERRIBLY WRONG.....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
************************************
-
:xsanta_grin very good...
-
This made me smile so I got to tell it.
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches
a blonde sitting by herself :
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" :zdg_drunk
Blonde: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs." :kiss
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" :undecided
Blonde: "No, they open!"
:2funny
**********************************
Hey, even Hal said it's a good one.
-
Here's another, I can't help it......
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attici and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
:2funny
-
ROTFLMAO! That's a good one! And probably very true. :) Though I don't buy gifts. Just a couple friends I bake cookies and the rest I just send cards. Cheap, but I think less stressful. :)
-
Priceless dusky hehe
-
OK...You wanted groaners...Here's some ...
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
**************************
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
**************************
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live
forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out,
so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on
the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was
arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
**************************
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the
assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were
a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his
doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said,
"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
**************************
Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce
other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided
to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their
watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended
up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,
"He who has a Tates is lost!"
**************************
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
:2funny :zdg_chicken
When you've finished groaning I'll post a few more I've found!
-
OK. You asked for it. Religious humor a friend e-mailed me. And Art thought his were groaners.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: {HUMOUR} Church bulletion bloopers;
Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church
service:
--Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.
--The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals.
--Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
--Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.
--The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
--The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
--Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
--Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
--The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."
--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
--Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
--Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
--At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
--Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nurse
downstairs.
--Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered.
--Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
--The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.
--Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.
--The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
--The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.
--Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
--The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
--Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
--Baptist Men's Day is Jan 29. We will honor the men of the church with
a Men's Breakfast at 8 am in the new building. We will enjoy a guest
speaker and anal men choir. This should be a time of fellowship and
worship as we pay tribute to our men.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:zdg_flag_sorry - NOT.
-
Doctor, Doctor !
Who's There ?
Oh sorry I think I'm in the wrong joke.
Oh sorry I think I am in the wrong joke who ?
Hello ?
-
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides . :zdg_fight2
-
OH! My aching head. Not physics jokes, makes me feel like I'm back in college. Aaaaargh!
************************************************************
"What does a Bugler play at a back surgeons funeral?"
"Spinal Taps."
-
i apologize to you before you read this...... :zdg_flag_sorry
a duck walks into a bar
duck says-- got any bread?
bartender says --no
duck says-- got any bread?
bartender stops wiping bar looks at duck-- no
duck says -- got any bread?
bartender getting mad says--look what are you deaf? i told you i dont have any blankin bread
duck says -- got any bread?
bartender slams fist on the bar and spits profanities as he yells-- if you ask me one more time if i got any bread i am going to nail your blanking beak to the bar you irritating peice of crap
duck says -- got any nails?
bartender says no
duck says --got any bread?
:rolleyes
-
No offense Lynn,
A blonde was shopping at a department store and
came across a silver thermos. She was quite
fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it
over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk
said, "That's a thermos . . it keeps some things
hot and some things cold" "Wow," said the blonde,
"that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought
the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her
boss saw it on her desk.
"What do you have there?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it? "
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles and some coffee".
:zdg_flag_what
-
A man entered the bus with both of his front
pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a
beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled
blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he
said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at
him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to
contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it
hurt as much as tennis elbow?" :zdg_huh
-
absolutely no offense taken i love blond jokes...
Q: What did the blonde say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag?
A: What did you name the other one?
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: A Branch Manager.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet Zebra?
A: Spotty.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locked the keys in her car.
Q: What you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
A blonde and a brunette were walking down a path. The brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird!" Blonde looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
Q: Why don't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They keep forgetting the recipe.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde make Koolaid?
A: Because she couldn't fit two quarts of water in the little packet.
Q: How does a blonde change a lightbulb?
A: She holds the bulb in place and waits for the world to revolve around her. :crazy2 :crazy2
-
:zdg_shocked
**********************
The Science Test:
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again,
what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then
sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
*************************
:zdg_flag_sorry
-
I'm treading a fine line with these, but at least I tried to clean them up.
I think they're the last. Something for everyone, I didn't want to show any
partiality by just offending one group.
*******************************************************************
"Something to Offend Everyone and Anyone"
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians
in a room together?
100 people who don't do d!@k.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest b@@bs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
" Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you .
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
" Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh#t..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
-
:grin very good Gamer, though i'd like to point out I drive a "BMW" lol
Just for safetys sake if anyone "IS" offended by any of the above then please contact the admin and we will remove said joke :police
-
This is not as naughty as you might think, but I will say :zdg_flag_sorry in advance to those that have a dirty mind.
I also promise, this is the absolute last one.
*******************************************************
"Not what you might think..."
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Dr.
gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen
sample tomorrow.
The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like this.
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady
next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still
nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us
tried, with
our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."
*****************
:2funny :zdg_flag_sorry
-
:2funny
Subject: tickle me elmo
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory
and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next
day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman
from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about
the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself
so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all
over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the
line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big
bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it aroound two marbles and begins to sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm
sorry,
he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I think you
misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo..............
Are you ready for this?
Two test tickles.
:azn :2funny :zdg_flag_sorry
-
LOL! I heard this as an abreviated joke like "What was the last thing they gave Tickle Me Elmo at the factory?" :)
Ok, I got one:
Three mice were in a bar drinking and bragging. The first mouse said that he eats his dinner out of the housecat's bowl. The second mouse said "That's nothin'. I go to the mouse trap 3 times a week to bench-press!"
The third mouse, who was quiet the whole time, took a swig of beer and went to leave. The other two mice deicded that he had first better prove he's "mouse" enough. "Hey! Where do you think YOU'RE going?" one of the mice said. To this, the 3rd mouse repliced:
"I'm going home to screw the cat."
Ok moderators, you can remove this if you want. ;) If so, I do know a few others that might not be so bad... I think... :)
-
its not christmas but heres a good one! :zdg_z_elephant :zdg_whistle
Subject: killer buscuits wanted for murder
(the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and
while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the
windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and
she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke
intothe car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When
they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough
on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad
of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find
out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains
in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.
-
LOL! That's a good one! And I love sig tagline - so appropriate for the story. ;)
-
i forgot about the if i only had a brain showing up there. yes that was indeed appropriate... ~`alady :zdg_toothy
-
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him? ?
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old
lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves. "We can't chew them because
we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them, then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."? ? ?
[It pays to be careful around old people.]? ? ? :2funny
-
Here's one I don't think is too bad. How ever if DG Admin thinks it is, then delete it.
Subject: Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he
looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that
Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make? me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
You're right, you gotta watch out for those old folks. :D
-
Touche!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop
with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
Only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
Ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber
at the end of YOUR stick, We'd be riding the bus,
so shut the hell up." :cool
-
A guy had quite an amazing night with a blonde girl (no offence to those who are blond here ;) )
After he was done for a little bit, he went downstairs to the kitchen to get a drink. He opened the fridge and allowed the nice, cool air to cool him down a bit as he sipped his milk from the carton. He didn't know that his girlfriend was watching in the kitchen doorway. He decided to cool off one other thing and put that in the milk carton. To that, his girlfriend pipes up "Oh, so that's how you refill those things!"
A very buff and tan man was admiring himself in the mirror one day. He then noticed that some part of him wasn't tan. Noting this wasn't good as the rest of him was a deep, dark tan, he decided to go to the beach, since nobody was around, and get that one part tanned. He also decided to bury himself in the sand in case someone came by, so they wouldn't recognize him or think it was an animal washed ashore or something.
After awhile, two old ladies came walking down the beach with their canes. The one lady stopped and noticed the one part the guy was trying to tan sticking out of the sand, but nobody around. She started moving it around with her cane in remeniscent thought while talking to her companion: "When I was a teenager, I craved it. When I was in my 30s I was already bored of it. When I was in my 50s I started to again wish for it. Now that I'm in my 80s, the damn things are popping up all over the place and I'm too old to squat!
-
:P
Firewood!!
Hello is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith.
He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding
marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend
on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the
firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece
of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil
and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!" "Did they split yer farwood?" "Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
OK. You can stick a fork in me now, I'm done. ;D
-
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
> father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one
> evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
> woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
>
> "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her
> "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
> million dollars."
>
> Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
> later, she became........ his stepmother.
>
> Women are so much smarter than men... :zdg_huh
-
:2funny I'm beginning to think we should rename this forum. Keep em coming.
-
What should we rename it? Wait, I don't want to know.
Maybe you should just add a new area for "R" rated jokes,
only members have access to with a warning to those who
may object to such things. Although has anyone really complained.
Anyways, here's another stinker for all us perverted Hal junkies.
*********************************************************************
Doing the Dishes...
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley.
He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck.
One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it.
Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires
about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me
how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple.
Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on
the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I
won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands
the buyer a tube of Vaseline. The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.
He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the
first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in.
When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during
dinner has to do the dishes."? "No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smacked in the middle of the living room is a
huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled
up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down
to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach
over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on
the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he
grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table.
Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes
it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the
Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
-
ROTFLMAO! Yeah, you gotta rename this thread, and please do keep 'em going. These are hilarious! :)
-
Here's one that's a little cleaner than most.
******************************************************************
Bubba, a furniture dealer in Georgia, wanted to expand the line of furniture
in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to
go to Paris to get some ideas.
After arriving in the French City he met with some manufacturers
and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Georgia.
To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass
of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other
chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him
something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so
after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a
picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a
picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to
dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed.
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in
the furniture business!
??? :D
-
:zdg_z_elephant Things are getting too sedate around here. Time to liven it up. :zdg_chicken
___________________________________________________________________
-
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into
those little packages.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around
her.
:shocked~~alady
-
:evil :zdg_z_elephant
A little boy comes down for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he
has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast
until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed
the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He
goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you
kick the pigs, so you don't get any bacon for a week
either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week,
you aren't getting any milk.
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast
and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile
and says, "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"
:2funny :zdg_lol
-
As you read this one, keep in mind that President Bush is a Texan.? :zdg_whistle
____________________________________________________
"Texas 3-Kick Rule"
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural? Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other
side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly? farmer drove up
on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The? litigator
responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going? to
retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you
are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that
duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said," Apparently, you don't
know how we settle disputes in Texas.? We settle small
disagreements like this? with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs
on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick
me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He
agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the
toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him
to his? knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal
gushing? from his mouth.? The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's
third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed
to get to his feet.? Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my turn."
> [I love this part....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You
can have? the duck."
---------------------------------------------- :2funny
-
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.? ?I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers!? ?Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.? . .? "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.? I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and? your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the? solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.? ?As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were? ?inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.? After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.? ?Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!"
:zdg_bye
-
:zdg_jiggle :zdg_lol :2funny :zdg_spin zdg_rotf :zdg_whistle
-
Subject: YES MY KINDA GUY
The Sensitive Man...
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the Right? one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
:smitten
The guy warmly smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
.....
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
:grin
:zdg_bye
-
zdg_rotf that was priceless $$$$$$$$$
-
:zdg_old
All about Marketing
Thats telling how it is..................
The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsomeguy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could
be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at
the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and
gropes your breast and grabs your ass.
That's the Governor of California!
You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America
***************************
:zdg_toothy :zdg_hello
-
:zdg_rock :zdg_rockband :zdg_chicken
Good one! And true!
You missed one:
A handsome guy comes up to you and says he's fantastic in bed. You find out he's a dud. So you claim he raped you. THAT is America!
Or some handsome guy comes up and says he's great in bed. That's a married man. If you kick him in the balls, he's about to get a divorce. :zdg_worried
-
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello" said the little boy.
"Hi" replied the little girl.
"Where are you going"? asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the little girl.
"Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church".
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill", replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive" said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet", replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across".
"That's a good idea", replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit".
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked.
"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist".
:2funny :rofl
-
:rofl Classic Dusky hehe
-
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on.
So God called one of the angels and sent the angel to Earth. When she returned, she told God,
"Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment
and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God
called another angel and sent him to earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to
God and said, "Yes, it's true The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being
good." God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because
he wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.
-
A friend of mine just returned from vacation at a really nice resort.
I asked him how it was and he said, "It was great! Everything was
top notch. In fact, the towels were so fluffy that I could hardly get
my suitcase closed!"
:knuppel2
-
How does a Honda 600 Coupe get up a hill?
It doesn't. You have to get out and push it. :)
For those that don't know, google for images of the Honda 600. My dad had one. It's a 36 hp 2-popper. He named his "Rollerskate".
-
Clever Quips
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself , "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By a ll mea ns, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
:rolleyes
-
good stuff :grin
Liked Spike especially and Billy Crystal.